Adoption During Covid-19 (July 2020)

There are already so many things to navigate during the adoption journey and adopting during a pandemic has added another level of difficulty to the process. Birth mothers have had some trouble finding OB’s willing to take on new patients and adoptive families have had some trouble finding agencies able to complete home studies in a timely manner. On a positive note, ICPC seems to be running smoothly and fairly quickly. In Georgia, all packets have been submitted via email, which has made everything move more quickly. Hopefully, this will be a positive outcome from this difficult time period with certain agencies learning more efficient ways to process paperwork. One of the most trying aspects of the adoption process with regard to Covid-19 is dealing with hospitals. Each hospital has set their own rules in dealing with adoptions. I have been involved with several different adoptions since March and each one has handled thing differently. I will highlight two recent situation. In May, I helped with an adoption in downtown Atlanta. This hospital would not allow adoptive parents on the premises. The birth mother had wanted the baby to room in with her already, so this did not affect her choice, but in other adoptions it could have been a major issue. The hospital did make an exception for me to come and execute legal documents with the birth mother and also allowed me to bring my notary. They were trying to keep as few people coming into the hospital as possible. The birth mother was allowed one support person to be with her. I had to discharge the baby and then meet the adoptive parents for the placement. It was very difficult on the adoptive parents to have to wait 48 hours before they could meet their child. In June, I helped with another adoption in Roswell, GA. In this particular case, the birth mother chose not to have any contact with the baby because she wanted to keep an emotional distance. Fortunately, this hospital was allowing adoptive parents to come to the hospital. They gave the adoptive parents their own room and required them to wear masks whenever they left the room. When I arrived at hospital, my notary and I were required to have our temperatures taken and to wash our hands. What I learned through these experiences is that it is very important to know how each hospital operates, so that everyone involved can be prepared and understand the current expectations for each hospital. I called ahead to the professional who coordinated adoptions at the hospital to find out their current policies and then created a hospital plan with the birth mother based on how she wanted to handle things within the parameters of the hospital. Both adoptions ran very smoothly because we were able to manage expectations pre-birth.

How To Talk With Your Child About Being Adopted (September 2020)

Adoption has changed so much through the years and now that much research has been done, professionals have changed how they advise adoptive parents to deal with the issue of being adopted with their child.  Many, many years ago professionals suggested that children need not be aware they were adopted feeling what the child doesn’t know won’t hurt him/her.  This turned out to be a profound mistake and very hurtful to adoptees when inevitably most found out through some means that the people they were raised by had not been honest with them.  Feeling that you have no idea who you are and where you came from, and why you were placed for adoption would be devastating questions to have after learning the people you trusted most in life had hidden the basic information to who you are as a human being.  It would be hard to imagine how someone would trust anyone after that kind of discovery.  So professionals have learned through the years that honesty is the best way for parents to deal with the issue of adoption and to have open conversations with their child to discuss the details of how they became a family.

How to talk with your child about being adopted is usually a very important issue that comes up during the home study process and your home study worker can give some helpful tips on ways to bring up this conversation.  These are some of the suggestions I typically give to my clients:

1. Begin talking to your child from a very young age, even before he/she can understand the concept of adoption.  I suggest you begin when your child is a baby.  This way you can become comfortable with your child’s “story” and what facts you feel are appropriate to share.  With my children, I love to tell them the story of the day they were born every year on their birthday.  What we were doing when we got “the call”, what steps we took to get to the hospital, the first time we saw them, etc.  It is an important story that can be filled with a timeline of events as well as all the emotions we were feeling. I also took lots of pictures at the hospital of the birth family’s interactions with them.  In both my children’s adoptions, we were fortunate to meet many members of the birth family and spend time with them over a few days, so there were many pictures of family members holding and loving my children around the time of their birth.

2.  Create a scrapbook of these first few days of their life.  It will give them a sense that their birth family and adoptive family came together to share in this beautiful experience of celebrating the birth of a baby and ensuring he/she is coming from love and going to love.  I also took pictures of the front of the hospital and interesting sights around the city where they were born and incorporated these into their scrapbooks.  It is about documenting images, so that they have a sense of who and where they came from.

3. Buy some children’s books that have the theme of adoption.  There are thousands of great books out there, which depict every type of family and adoption scenario.  Pick a few books that are similar to your adoption situation and put these books in your child’s personal library next to the Curious George and Dr. Seuss books.  It will give parents an opportunity to introduce the subject and be able to start conversations about adoption

4. Try to obtain a picture of your child’s birth mother when she was very pregnant with your son or daughter.  One of the first concepts children begin to understand is that they grew in a woman’s tummy.  They may see some of their friend’s mothers pregnant and start asking questions.  This is the perfect opportunity to let them know they grew in “Katie’s” belly and it would be very helpful if you have a picture of this to make it easier to understand.

5. Consider hanging a picture of your child’s birth parent(s) in their bedroom or in another special place in your home.  Just as you display other important people throughout your home, this can show your child how much you care about his/her birth family and that this is someone we can openly and comfortably discuss.

6. Find natural and logical ways to discuss adoption, your child’s birth family and where they were born.  For example, when my son was learning about the map of the United States of America, it was an opportunity for us to learn about the state of Michigan, where he was born.  I showed him on the map the path we took to drive to him, where in the state he was born, and gave him a brief story about our time there.  We also discussed how unique it was that even person in our family had been born in a different state.  It is about finding ways to bring the conversation up to promote discussion and to give your child an opportunity to ask any questions they may have.  It is good to know what they are thinking and to make sure they have not misinterpreted anything that has been told to them.

7. When your child is young, keep the conversations, simple, short and age-appropriate.  When they ask what color eyes did my birth mother have that may be all they want to know when they are five years old.  There is no need to go into a long conversation with tons of detail.  Those conversations will come much later.

8. Embrace the positives from your child’s background and find ways to talk about genetics and differences.  My daughter has beautiful black curly hair and she was really coordinated as a cheerleader and then as a soccer player.  My hair is brown and straight and boring, so I have always admired her hair and told her she was lucky to have inherited this from her birth family.  Likewise, I told her she probably would not have made it as a cheerleader or been such a great soccer player had she inherited my genes.  These conversations are all about weaving the information about their birth family into conversations that will create a positive sense of self identity.

                                                       Steps After Placement (October 2020)

Once you are able to bring your baby home, there are still several things you must do in order to complete the adoption process and finalize your adoption.  First, there are generally two or more post placement visits that need to take place with your home study agency.  Your home study social worker will come to your home and ask you some questions about your placement experience, such as how bonding is going, how the baby is eating and sleeping, medical care the baby has received, extended family reaction, current contact with birth family and your overall adjustment to parenthood or placement of a new child in your home.  The social worker will then write a report and send it to your placement agency or attorney and the ICPC office, if required.  Once post placement supervision is complete, then your attorney can file a Petition to Adopt with the Superior Court in your County of Residence, if you are finalizing your adoption in Georgia.  Some families are able to finalize their adoptions in the state where the baby was born.  If this is the case, then your placement resource will provide you with all the steps to that process and will inform you whether you have to travel back to that state for the final hearing or if you can finalize the adoption through a video conference or phone call.  Once the final hearing takes place, your attorney will give you specific instructions on how to obtain a birth certificate for your child.  In Georgia, it usually takes about six weeks before Vital Records has recorded the adoption and created a new birth certificate with all the adoptive parents information on it.  This new birth certificate will look just as any other birth certificate.  The original birth certificate with the birth mother’s name and information on it will then be sealed and no one will have access to it again.  Once the adoptive parents have a birth certificate, you can then go to your local social security office and file for a social security number for your child.  I highly recommend doing this in person and not by mail because there are some legal documents that you need to show during this process and you do not want to take the chance that they will be lost in the mail or at the social Security Administration.  You will need to bring the child’s birth certificate and a certified copy of the Final Order of Adoption.  You will also need proof of your identity, such as a drivers license or passport.  You will need to fill out Form SS-5, which can be found online at http://www.socialsecurity.gov/online/ss-5.pdf.  It can take up to 12 weeks to obtain the social security number after you have applied, so make sure to do this very shortly after receiving the birth certificate.  You will need your child’s social security number to claim your child as a dependent on your taxes, claim the adoption tax credit, open a bank account or college savings plan, and to provide it to your health insurance plan.

Things to Do While You Wait for a Match (November 2020)

 Once you have completed the home study and your profile, now comes the hardest part- waiting for a match.  However, there are many things you could be doing to keep focused on your adoption journey. (1) Keep reading- being an adoptive parent is a lifelong journey and being prepared for the issues you may encounter is key to your success.  My best advice is to obtain a subscription to http://adoptive families.com.  It is not expensive and has a wide variety of articles written by people from different perspectives in the adoption triad and from adoption professionals.  (2) Do your research!  There are so many things you are going to need as parents, so take this time to prepare.  Begin researching car seats, cribs, bottles, pediatricians, daycares, nannies, and your maternity/paternity leave.  Some families choose to prepare their nursery ahead of time, while others prefer to wait until they have a match or placement.  But it is important that you have done the research ahead of time on the critical items, such as cribs and car seats, because there are so many safety factors to consider, and you want to take the time to make sure you get highly rated products.  (3) If you are comfortable, let people know you are adopting.  I have had met many people who found a birth mother on their own just by talking about their journey.  I have seen matches made through their hair dresser, Facebook contacts, talking to their waitress at lunch, old friends, coworkers, family and their annual Christmas letter.  You just never know who may be encountering someone that just learned about an unplanned pregnancy and is looking at all their available options. (4) Begin saving money or finding creative ways to make extra money.  Adoption is expensive, so while you wait try to find ways to save, so that you can be as prepared as you can be.  Now is the time to Google ways to cut spending.  I have also seen people find creative ways to earn extra money to help defray adoption costs.  They have held yard sales and asked friends, family and church members to donate items they could sell.  They have created and sold t-shirts, held fundraising parties, or picked up side jobs where all the money they earn goes into their adoption fund.  (5) Educate yourself with regard to Safety.  Take your car seat to your closest fire station.  They are trained in car seat safety and will show you the proper way to install a car seat.  Take a newborn CPR class and a newborn care class.  Even if you have experience feeding or diapering a newborn, there are important things to learn about taking a baby’s temperature, what are signs of distress, cord care, childhood illnesses, etc.  (6) Get some sleep!  It may be the last time you sleep well for the next 18 years!

One of Our Placements form 2020 (December 2020)

I thought I would end my blog posts for 2020 with one of our success stories from this year.  This couple had a long and difficult journey to parenthood, but this past May, Georgia Adoption Specialists was able to place a beautiful baby boy in their arms.  They were so grateful to this little boy’s amazing birth mother, who made the difficult decision to place him for adoption and in turn made this family’s long awaited dream to become parents finally come true.  The last seven months have been an incredible experience for this family.  They have enjoyed every minute being a family of three and were so excited to share many wonderful photos that they recently took.  They text us frequently to share pictures of special times they have been having with their son.  It is such a joy to see the small part we play in helping to create happy families.  What a wonderful way to end such a difficult year!  

Last Minute Adoptions with Baby Already Born (January 2021)

Happy New Year!!!  I had the privilege this month of being asked to handle a last minute adoption.  This means that the birth mother did not put an adoption plan in place prior to delivery.  After delivering, she begins searching for an adoption agency or lawyer to help her with this process.  In many cases the birth mother uses an internet search to connect with possible resources and in many cases this agency or law office is out of state.  Since they cannot practice law or social work in Georgia, they needed to hire a local entity to handle the adoption, which is where Georgia Adoption specialists came in.  A last minute adoption has advantages and disadvantages.  They can be very stressful because there is no time to plan and adoptive families must make decisions very quickly sometimes with little information.  They must understand that new information can come to light at any moment and the flow of information is not always in a normal pattern.  For example, you may be in the hospital spending time with the baby before we have background and health information on one or both of the birth parents.  Last minute adoptions are not for everyone!!!  You have to consider if you are a go with the flow person who can adjust easily to learning new information as you go or if you are really someone who needs to have all the information up front before making such an important life decision and someone who needs time to plan.  One advantage to a last minute case is that with a baby already born, there should be available health information on the baby’s condition.  There also is not all the lead up stress of waiting for the birth for 3-4 months wondering if after giving birth and seeing the baby, the birth mother will change her mind.  On the flip side, if a birth mother puts an adoption plan in place several months before her due date, there is time for the adoption professionals to gather lots of information and paperwork pre-birth and there is time for the prospective adoptive parents to meet and begin building a relationship with the birth family and make plans to leave the state, take maternity/paternity leave, take care of important tasks at work or put coverage in place, make plans for their pets while they are out of town, buy a car seat and figure out all the other tasks needed to prepare for welcoming a new baby.  I strongly suggest if you do not feel you can handle the stress of a last minute case and all the unknowns that come along with it, ask your placement resource not to call you for these type of situations.  They truly are not for everyone.

25 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU WAIT FOR A PLACEMENT  (April 2021)

1. Choose a pediatrician.  Get recommendations from friends or family. Make sure they have weekend hours.
2. Find out your employer’s policy on adoption leave.  Educate yourself about the Family and Medical Leave Act and what your employer is required to do.
3. Child proof your home. Or at a minimum research what you will need and create a plan.
4. Prepare Grandparents on Open Adoption.Your parents have no clue what we mean by open adoption.  Let’s be honest, neither did you until you became immersed in adoption literature.  They likely have many misconceptions that they may have been hesitant to express.  Now’s the time to start the education process.
5. Singles should line up their support team.Specifically ask if they would be willing to take over at night every once in a while, to let you catch up on sleep if your child has trouble sleeping.
6. Read adoption articles. Get a membership to https://www.adoptivefamilies.com and read lots of articles about adoption.
7. Prepare a will or review your existing one.  Pick out guardians and godparents.
8. Read child development and parenting books.
9. Get parenting practice.Volunteer to baby-sit for friends or for the church nursery. 
10. Choose a name or put together a list of possible names.
11. Start a journal.  Save it to give to your child someday to show your feelings while you wait for him/her to join your family.
12. Organize your closets, drawers, and cupboards.  If you are feeling really industrious or anxious move on to your basement, attic, or garage. 
13. Take a child CPR course.  Ask your pediatrician where a course is offered or call the local Red Cross.
14. Prepare your pets for the baby’s arrival.  Make any anticipated changes to their routine (more time outdoors or in a crate) well in advance of your child arriving so the pet does not associate the change with the new arrival.  Contact your vet or local humane society for information.
15. Schedule any of your regular appointments.You won’t have time for your regular dentist, doctor, optometrist, and vet appointments when your child first arrives so schedule them now.
16. Take newborn care classes at the local hospital.  Ask your pediatrician or adoption agency who else offers them.
17. Learn a few lullabies and bouncy games.
18. Shop garage sales for baby items, books, and toys.  You will need less equipment than you think.  Garage sales are a great place to find bargains, and spring and fall are the best times for sales.  Do not buy car seats, baby walkers, old playpens or cribs, or humidifiers.
19. Buy a few favorite children books and some adoption themed children’s books.  Think back to your childhood and choose books you loved and then pick out some books that talk about adoption in a way that represents your family.
20. Pick out the perfect “cuddly” for your child.Find a special blanket of stuffed animal. 
21. Research car seats, strollers and cribs.
22. Cook and freeze meals for the first weeks back home.
23. Get information on kid friendly activities.Your community likely has many activities for you and your child to participate in such as library story times, parent/child gym or swimming classes, annual memberships at zoos, children’s science museums or aquariums, and neighborhood play groups.
24. Decorate the nursery or create a wish board with a possible theme.  If you are not ready to decorate, print pictures with ideas and find stores that have your favorite baby items.
25. Start to spread the newsand ask for prayers, good wishes and/or for family members or friends to spread the word that you are in the process of adopting and if they come across any expectant parents that wish to consider adoption to let you know.